Stop Sexist Remarks

About 25 years ago, I asked a long-time battered women’s advocate whose work I respected why eliminating sexism appeared to be so much tougher than dealing with other forms of socially based discrimination. Her response bears repeating: “Because messages about sexism usually begin at home.” 

She went on to explain that addressing sexism requires each person to examine the culturally defined, gender-based roles that they play in their most important relationships (parent/child, marriage/partnership, brother/sister). In other words, challenging the status quo with regard to sexism does not simply mean signing a petition, attending a rally, or otherwise speaking out. It means taking a good hard look at our own lives and the roles we have chosen (or had foisted upon us), and therefore, the ideas about women and men that we are passing on to our children. At the time that I asked the question, it meant taking risks with a partner or family member as you pushed beyond socially defined limits to negotiate the paths less traveled by your gender. 

Times have changed (thank goodness), and I delight in the new young fathers I see pushing their babies in strollers around the neighborhood, tackling the responsibilities of daycare, and showing up for school outings. I am thrilled that so many young women have taken advantage of the educational and workplace opportunities provided by the first and second waves of feminism. 

Yet sexism remains, playing out in the way women are portrayed by the media; in films, television, and advertising; and of course, through sexist remarks. More subtly, in many homes, the traditional gender roles remain firmly in place, with dad washing the car or mowing the lawn, mom cooking dinner, grandpa cutting the turkey at Thanksgiving, and grandma shopping for the new grandbaby. 

Even if you love every one of the “more traditional” roles that you have adopted in your family of origin or creation, it may be time to reflect on how watching you in those roles may impact your children’s choices. Will your daughter grow up to design new, and hopefully ecologically sound, automobiles if she never develops a passion for cars? Will your son learn to cook if he witnesses Dad tying on the apron only for a backyard barbecue? Does Uncle Bill suggest that the women clean up after a family dinner while the men retire to watch the football game? Do you encourage your daughters and nieces to join them? 

As a country that appears more interested in whether Michelle Obama bares her arms at political functions than in her amazingly dignified and engaging performance as First Lady, it seems that we still have a ways to go where sexism is concerned. And changing outdated sexist ideas begins at home. So start by asking yourself the following questions: 

1. If I have chosen the more traditional male or female roles at home or work, do I expose my children to successful and happy men and women who have made different choices? 
2. Do I actively (and visibly) support my partner, family members, and friends when they make choices that do not fit neatly into traditional gender roles?
3. Do I consider how my comments about women and men might affect my children’s thinking about the choices they have available to them (or the value that we place on girls and boys)?
4. Do I talk with my children about the value to our community (and the world) of encouraging women and men to use their skills or otherwise contribute in ways that go beyond traditional gender roles?
5. Do I address the sexist remarks my children encounter—at school and family events, or in other situations—either in the moment or with them later privately, as appropriate?

Then decide to make a change, if you need to (and I suspect most of us do), in the messages that you convey to your children about women and men—through both what you say and what you do. Because if sexism begins at home, then home is where we need to stop it.

Cynthia

This entry was posted on Monday, June 1st, 2009 at 7:28 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.