Several months ago, someone posted a comment on our site expressing frustration with the reactions of other women and men to her attempts to address sexist remarks. She felt she was the only one speaking up in response to these comments and that the people around her failed to offer support; on the contrary, they told her that she shouldn’t say anything.
I sympathize. It’s easy to feel defeated when you’re taking risks to do what is right but don’t perceive that anyone is with you, even those who should be on your side.
As we’ve written elsewhere, whenever we stand up to an injustice, there often are bystanders who agree with us but aren’t willing to take action themselves. Often they have valid reasons for not doing so. If it’s a work setting, they could be in a precarious financial or employment situation. They may have had a bad experience when they tried to speak up to a sexist or bigoted remark in the past. Maybe they find the costs of speaking up too great for now and have decided to wait for a time and place in which the risks aren’t so high.
Given those realities, it’s important to be deliberate about how we interact with people who are not ready to join us in addressing sexist remarks. Here are a few ideas to keep in mind in gaining the support of “bystanders”:
Take the high road. The demeanor we adopt in confronting a sexist remark matters a great deal. I once saw a television debate between two people on an issue that I care about. The person whose point of view I shared continually interrupted the other, breaking in on his answers six times during a 10-minute interview, by my count. The host of the program warned her repeatedly to let her opponent finish. She won the substance of the argument but lost on grace, making her opposition sound moderate and reasonable.
People are more prone to like those who are polite and respectful, a guideline that would be banal were it not routinely ignored. Those qualities are seen as signs of confidence, maturity, and a well-thought-out position. Noelle Nelson, a longtime consultant to trial lawyers and author of several books on persuasion, writes that in studies and reports of how the great trial lawyers work, the words ‘polite’ and ‘respectful’ are repeatedly mentioned. If people like you, you will be more able to persuade them. Being polite does not mean abandoning your argument or tolerating mistreatment. It means being assertive respectfully, whenever that’s possible. (Of course, if you’ve tried to politely stop sexist remarks and a person continually ignores those requests over a period of time, you might decide that a different approach is called for.)
Assume you have allies, not enemies. Unless you have reason to think otherwise, treat people who don’t take action as potential allies, rather than as fence-sitters or enemies. If you suspect that someone may be on your side but isn’t speaking up, you can consider asking them (privately and confidentially), what they think.
You could begin by inquiring how they felt about a specific incident involving a sexist remark or about the issue generally. Listen closely, paying attention to how they feel about sexist comments and how they think it is best to address them. Hearing what they think is critical to establishing common ground and identifying areas of difference (the currency of persuasion). Respond by agreeing with their content to the degree that you can while still being truthful, and acknowledge how they feel. Once you understand them, share why you handle sexist comments in the way that you do. Once a person feels acknowledged at a basic level, they are more willing to listen to your perspective.
Respect what other people are able to contribute. Let people take whatever role they are comfortable with in addressing sexist remarks. If that’s no more than being willing to support you privately, accept that for the moment, and realize that once people get invested in an issue, they tend to become more involved, not less.
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Those who choose to address injustice know that often we have to take the long view. To that end, we need to be more open to people’s ideas and issues and less dogmatic and disapproving than those who defend sexism. Our approach to persuading people that sexist remarks matter should be rooted in some principles inherent to the idea of greater equality—like empathy, honesty, and respect for differences—because those values are at the heart of what we stand for.
Steve
