Several weeks ago, we got a post from Mike, a bartender, about how he handles sexist jokes in his establishment. He’s got a unique challenge: he needs to keep the party atmosphere going to sell drinks but also wants to maintain an environment free of sexism. So he has a stock phrase that he uses when someone tells, or is about to tell, a sexist joke: “Hey, let’s keep it classy, ok?” And then he moves on.
There may be situations in which we decide that the costs of a potentially uncomfortable interaction outweigh the benefits of addressing sexist “humor” directly. In those cases, an in-between solution like Mike’s may be an alternative to doing nothing. (As always, keep in mind that the person who tells the joke is responsible for the discomfort, not us for responding to it.)
I did some online research to see what responses people have developed to these situations. A number of the approaches discussed are inappropriate (such as making a joke that belittles the joke teller, which simply perpetuates the climate of personal attack). But others may convey our intended message while moving the conversation beyond the offensive joke. Here are a few possible introductions to use before redirecting the conversation to another topic:
- Ouch.
- Could we elevate the conversation?
- Yikes.
- Now that the sexist part of the conversation is over, can we move on?
You may or may not find these appropriate to the situations you encounter. Whatever response you choose needs to be consistent with your values, intended outcome, and comfort level.
Of course, sexist humor is no laughing matter. Several studies (such as this one) show the link between sexist humor and hostility and discrimination toward women. The quote (author unknown) that best captures the damaging effects of sexist jokes for me is this: “Discrimination is made up of tiny acts that position women as less than human. It is not about men with cigars meeting to decide ‘Hmmmm, we hate women, how can we keep them down today?’”
As always, we’re interested in your ideas. Tone is everything when our intention is to deliver a graceful quip—light enough not to interrupt the flow of conversation but serious enough to communicate that sexist jokes hurt girls and women. Let us know about approaches that have worked for you.
Steve
[...] blog site Stop Sexist Remarks talks about good advice from a bartender named Mike, who is on the front lines when it comes to [...]
I am always battling with my husband about sexism and treatment of women. While he admits it is difficult to change his views as he was socialized in a patriarchal household he also says I am old fashioned feminist. The other day he attended an agricultural convention and one of his colleagues suggested to him that he could pick up a “hoe” while he was there and have a good weekend. My husband thought that was hilarious and, of course, I was offended. I wanted him to call the guy on his sexist remark but he insists it was not sexist. I’d be interested in hearing other points of view on this one. My husband says we should agree to disagree on this one but I think it speaks to values and that is greater than simply agreeing to disagree.