Has your response to a sexist remark ever backfired? How did you deal with your feelings (embarrassment, anger, hurt), and what did you do to repair the situation (for example, mending a friendship)? Back to Answering the Tough Questions.
Steve says: It might be useful to define “backfire” in the context of responding to a sexist comment; when taking a risk, I often find it helpful to imagine the worst that could happen and whether I’m willing to deal with that fallout. In the case of responding to a sexist remark, depending on the context, the worst outcome might mean something as serious as a colleague becoming less cooperative or a supervisor denying a promotion or pay raise. It might mean an uncomfortable interaction with the person I’m responding to, if they become angry, hostile, or cold. Or it could mean not being taken seriously, having my concern laughed at or disregarded.
As we’ve noted elsewhere, when imagining the worst that could happen, it helps to remember that when a sexist comment is made and you respond, you didn’t create the resulting tension—the person who made the remark did so. And it’s important to have carefully thought through the risks and developed possible responses to prepare for the range of situations in which you might encounter sexist remarks. In particular, taking on sexist comments in work settings, where a bad outcome might have financial implications, requires careful consideration.
But once I’ve taken the risk, how do I repair a relationship when the person making the comment reacts badly to my response? The most obvious solution is to deal with the problem straightforwardly through a followup conversation, when I think the person is capable of talking seriously about what happened. In that interaction, I talk about why I responded the way that I did and ask why the other person said what they did. If I misjudged their intentions, I apologize, explain why I perceived the remark the way that I did, and talk about why confronting sexism is important to me. In my experience, being willing to follow up not only builds more trust but prepares the way for a serious conversation about sexism and sexist comments.
The reality is that we can never predict or control how a person will react to our attempt to constructively address a sexist remark. That’s the risk that we assume when standing up to sexism, or taking any stand.
But people who take that leap make it possible to turn the tables on sexism so that the next time someone considers saying something derogatory about women, it’s they who think twice about whether it might backfire.
Cynthia says: Steve’s advice (“you didn’t create the resulting tension—the person who made the remark did so”) above is really important because it appears that many people (especially women) do not respond to sexist remarks because they worry about other people’s reactions—not to the sexist comment, but to their response.
The fact is that we put females, and especially young girls, at risk when we ignore sexist remarks. When we do not speak up when sexist comments are made in front of our daughters, we put them at risk of believing negative messages about women and therefore themselves. If we ignore sexist remarks made by young men, we fail to teach them about equality and respect for others—and the young women they encounter next may pay the price.
Each time that we are confronted with a sexist remark, we need to do our best to help others understand the damage that words can do and how much better life would be if we learned to value both genders equally. When our efforts create a reaction that isn’t quite what we hoped for, we need to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and remember the goal—creating a society that demands respect for us all.
So maybe it’s time to worry less about other people’s reactions when we speak up—and more about the consequences of our silence.
What do you suggest? Post an answer.
