Stop Sexist Remarks

Here’s a situation that many of us know well. Someone introduces what they’re going to say with, “Some people will call this joke sexist, but . . . ” or “I’ll probably be accused of being a sexist for saying this, but . . .” By excusing himself in advance, the speaker thinks that he can preempt a negative response to a remark or joke that he knows is offensive. 

Those of us who care about gender equality know that there is no excuse—exculpatory language is a tactic for insulating sexist comments against criticism by shifting the blame. The message is that if you don’t like what you’re about to hear, the problem is yours, not the speaker’s. The effect is to change the responsibility for any ensuing discomfort to the person who dares to challenge what’s said. 

Our role is to ensure that the discomfort lies squarely with the person making the remark—not their intended audience. These situations might be among the easiest to respond to because the person is alerting you before they make the sexist comment. You can use these moments to say what you believe before they begin to speak or to respond once they have. Here are a few ideas about how to speak up in these situations; we hope you’ll have others:

1. Before they go further, let them know that if they choose to say something sexist, you hope they won’t mind you responding to what they’ve said.
2. Ask them if they are suggesting that their remark/joke might be sexist because they want to open a dialogue about the reaction of those present.
3. Wait until an appropriate moment after the remark and say, “I’m glad that you acknowledged that what you said might be offensive. Here’s why I think it is . . . .”
4. Say, “I’m glad that you acknowledged that what you said might be offensive. I think so; does anyone else?” (This approach will be effective only if you know that there are others in the group who agree with you but may need encouragement to speak up.) 

What else can we do when friends, family members, or colleagues announce that they are about to make what might be a sexist remark as a means of deflecting responsibility for it?

What is our role in taking away “permission” for someone to make sexist comments simply because they say they are going to do so? 

Steve

Someone said to us a short time ago that the strategy that she’s found most effective for stopping sexist and homophobic remarks is to draw analogies to help the person understand how their comment feels to the recipient. For example, she helped her Jewish parents see the impact of their homophobic remarks with a comparison to how negative comments about Jewish people would feel to them.

Could the same approach work with sexist comments?  

Is there a way to help men who have never experienced sexism (or perhaps even what it’s like to be a disadvantaged minority, if they are white) understand how it feels?  

What could you say that would help them empathize with the effect of a discriminatory comment if they’ve never experienced discrimination?

Steve

One strategy for dealing with dismissive attitudes or jokes about women is to simply ask: “Why do you say that?” Politely asking this question shows that you take the notion of equality seriously, and gently challenges people to explain why they believe women deserve less-than-equal treatment (and who can really defend that viewpoint?).

We’re interested in hearing whether any of you have used this strategy and how it went.

Steve

Photo: Leo Reynolds

Sarah Lacy

Responding to a Sexist Remark in a
Business Setting

This story from Valley Wag is a great example of an effective response to a sexist remark from a stranger in a business setting. At a conference on tech blogging, a reporter transcribed the following conversation between BusinessWeek columnist and author Sarah Lacy and an unidentified man. Lacy directly challenges the remark and then briefly explains why his comment was offensive. When he ignores her explanation, she quickly disengages.

Man: “You girls are really lovely you must work in PR.”

Lacy: “Did you really just say that? That’s incredibly insulting. Never say that to a woman in any business setting.”

Man: “No, I just mean because every pretty girl I’ve met here is in PR.”

Lacy: “Yes, I know what you meant. That’s why it’s insulting. It’s like assuming a woman in an office is a secretary.”

Man: “Blah blah.”

Lacy: “You know what? There’s a lot of people I actually want to talk to here.” (walks off)

(Administrator note: We believe she used the example of a secretary not to diminish that role but to make the point that it’s always wrong to presume to know a woman’s professional position just because of her gender.)

Have you ever felt great about how you handled a sexist remark in a business setting? Tell us about what you did and why you think it worked.

(Photo: Brian Solis)