Stop Sexist Remarks

On Earth Day this year, I made the decision to really “go green.” My husband and I already do our bit for the environment. Neither of us drives to work, and we keep the heat down and use air conditioning sparingly. We turn off the lights when we are not in a room, and I recycle paper by printing on both sides. Because we choose to live in a city, we have a small condo, which keeps us from “over consuming” simply because we do not have room for lots of new things—many of which would eventually make their way to the landfill. 

I did however have a penchant for using paper towels. And because we take our lunch to work, we tended to use plastic baggies and to reuse the plastic grocery store bags as lunch sacks. Not anymore; I am now conscious of every paper towel that I use. Paper napkins are a thing of the past, and I have begun exploring non-plastic alternatives for storing our lunch items. We are going green, and once I made that decision, I began to reassess my every action. When you pay attention, you notice the waste and harm that you can do without ever intending to. 

From the myriad articles that I read about Earth Day, that simple message emerged—there is power in raising people’s consciousness. In my neighborhood, everyone carries cloth grocery bags to the store; two years ago, that simply wasn’t true. Little actions make a difference, as we keep being told—especially when you multiply those by millions of people. 

Funny, but wasn’t consciousness-raising the initial goal of the feminist movement? Perhaps if we commit to taking small actions to stop sexist remarks, we might raise our overall consciousness about how language (and the ideas defined by it) affects women and girls in our culture. You know, doing the equivalent of carrying a cloth grocery bag, or turning off the lights, or driving less. 

So pick one day each week for the next six weeks—and on that day, be more conscious about how you think and talk about women and girls. It is amazing what you can discover about yourself simply by paying attention. Maybe if we all change our own thinking, and therefore our language and behavior, we will begin to make a difference in how women and girls are viewed and treated in our culture. 

Because while going green is about creating a healthier and more sustainable environment, stopping sexist remarks is about creating a more gender equal—and therefore more sustainable—world. 

Cynthia

Many years ago, I was with a group of people when someone made what they thought was a funny remark about a person with a disability. Many people laughed. Then one woman spoke up and said, “I don’t find that funny.” Everyone stopped laughing, and people looked at each other, embarrassed and uncomfortable. It was an awkward moment, but everyone knew who was responsible for their discomfort—the person who had made the offensive remark.

I admire what she did that day—with five words, she had changed the direction of the conversation. Similarly, addressing sexist comments requires forethought, judgment, and courage, and it often works best when we keep our response simple. Consider using statements like the following to let people know you find sexism unacceptable:

1.  ”What do you mean by that?”
2. “Do you really think that?”
3. “It doesn’t seem like you to say something like that.”
4. “No, I don’t think about it that way.”
5. “I don’t find that funny.”
6. “That doesn’t sound nice to me.”
7. “Would you want to have that said to/about your wife, daughter, or sister?”
8. “I would rather not talk that way about women.”
9. “I don’t like to think about women that way.”
10. “That type of remark about women makes me uncomfortable.”
11. “I’m sure you don’t realize it, but that comment sounds like a put-down of women.”
12. “Wow, I didn’t know you felt that way about women.”
13. “That sounds sexist. Is that what you intended?”

A book I recently read, Encountering Bigotry, refers to sexist, racist, and homophobic remarks as “invitations.” The authors write that “an invitation is a call to participate in something, whether it is an invitation to a wedding or an invitation to laugh at a joke. The listener is forced to respond in some way.” When people make sexist remarks, they are inviting us to cross a boundary into their world, one in which women are perceived as less than equal.

A simple declaration that addresses sexism helps spread an alternative vision of the world, one where people are judged on character, not on gender. Sharing that vision is a gift to those around us—both those who know that equality is the better path, and those clinging to old ways of thinking.

What other simple declarations have you used to stop sexist remarks and let people know that you stand for equality?

Steve

There has been a lot of talk recently about children who bully their classmates. You likely remember those kids from your own school days; for some reason (their own insecurities, behaviors learned at home), they used size, fear, or violence to get what they wanted. 

I am not sure why we remain so startled by the schoolyard bully. Today’s children are exposed to an ever-increasing array of bullies parading as pundits and talk show hosts. Parents at peewee softball games yell and carry on when the coach doesn’t play their child in a choice position. People post comments on the Internet that are designed at a minimum to provoke or insult authors or a fellow commenter. Reality show participants are more likely to stick around if they have trouble getting along with the other members of their house or island; they are deemed interesting by virtue of their prickly or abusive nature. 

If someone behaved this way at your dinner party, you wouldn’t invite them back. So why do we keep tolerating the behavior of bullies in our communities? 

Since our children really are just windows into the souls of the adults around them, our first course of action in dealing with schoolyard bullies might be to take a good long look in the mirror. How often do we use power or threats to get what we want? How often do we direct anger and frustration at someone, in front of our children, over relatively silly matters? (One need only drive in traffic to witness this type of behavior.) And how often do we use words to describe others that we likely would prefer not to hear directed at ourselves? 

Because isn’t that what sexist remarks really are: a form of bullying? Mean words designed to make women feel intimidated or small—just like back on the schoolyard. Demeaning language intended to make women feel less powerful in the workplace. Bullying language used by otherwise seemingly intelligent men to end talk show debates with female colleagues that they cannot win on the merits. 

Creating a shift in how we interact will take some doing given all the challenges we face and the expanding influence of pundit journalism (read: angry and argumentative). But we each need to do what we can—so start small by opting for any of the following: 

1. Remembering that our children learn more by watching what we do than by listening to what we say.
2. Trying to turn each interaction with others into a win-win situation for everyone involved.
3. Turning off the television and radio rather than listening to media personalities who criticize and attack instead of offering solutions (and especially when they do so using sexist language). 

Most important, let those in power—including your community leaders and media executives (and the advertisers who support them, often while looking the other way)—know that you want a kinder, gentler nation. Let’s work together to create a country in which we choose not to bully others with our words or behavior. Let’s make ours a nation in which children don’t know how to behave as bullies—simply because they have never seen one. 

Cynthia

I worked several years ago with a senior manager in a mid-size company. I was a junior staff person who did not report to him. We were on friendly terms. 

As I walked down the hall one day, I met a woman colleague headed in the opposite direction; I passed her and then walked by the manager’s office, where he was standing in the doorway. “Nice a__,” he remarked to me, nodding in her direction. I turned around and said to him, “That sounds pretty sexist,” and kept walking. 

I thought that my woman colleague had heard his remark and wanted to see what she thought. When I asked her a few minutes later, she said that she hadn’t heard, and then she said, “Oh that’s just [name].” Her assessment was accurate. I found out later that he regularly made sexist remarks to women in the office and continued to do so even after they’d objected. Though I found his behavior disturbing (and later found the company’s failure to take action to end his behavior even more troubling), I liked my job, my work colleagues, and the goals of our work and so never considered leaving the organization over this issue. 

Over the next few days, the manager was noticeably less friendly to me (passing in the hallway without greeting, for example). But he gradually thawed, and eventually we were on the same terms as before. But I never spoke to him or anyone else about the incident. 

Before this happened, I’d not thought much about sexist remarks (but I strongly opposed expressions of prejudice in all their forms). Though I hadn’t considered what I might do when confronted with sexism, I found it impossible not to speak up: he was directing his comment to me and asking for my participation. Saying nothing would indicate my approval. 

I suspect there were many reasons that I didn’t talk to anyone after the incident. The reaction of the woman who was the target of the remark made me think that I was overreacting. If this kind of thing didn’t bother the women with whom I worked, why should it bother me? My conclusion was natural but showed I didn’t know much about how sexist remarks create a hostile work environment and that women sometimes laugh them off as unimportant to cope with an untenable situation. 

That and other insights have made me better able to respond effectively next time in another professional setting, and strengthened my willingness to do so. I would speak up because I understand the importance of challenging sexist remarks and that change often comes from the bottom up. That said, I also would need to consider the organizational culture and the position and power of the person making the remark so as not to casually jeopardize my own employment situation. 

But I am willing to challenge sexism even if it means putting my opportunities at risk because I cannot support an organization that tolerates a sexist environment. (And if it does, I’m willing to pursue my legal options.)

Taking on sexism also means expanding society’s assumptions about what it means to be a man. In the eighties, there was a funny little song by Christine Lavin going around about “sensitive new age guys.” I remember laughing too, but there was a disturbing undertone to that song. Its message (and the joke) was that men have changed from the hard-drinking tough guys who fought World War II and were the heads of their homes to patsies who wear loafers, drink latte, and care about what women think. 

Is it possible to care about sexist remarks and not be booted out of the Guy Club? I hope so. I am some of the things described in Lavin’s song—I don’t eat red meat, I do think men should share responsibility for child care, and I listen to my partner (most of the time, hopefully). But I also watch and play sports, don’t cry at weddings, and don’t much like talking about feelings. I know the song was meant to be fun, but it perpetuates a terrible idea—that there is one way to be a man and if you break one rule, you’re out of the club. 

Men have the capacity to be many things at once, with one of them being that we stand up to sexist remarks. I took heart when I told a World War II-generation male relative about this site. After he listened, he said, “That’s an important project. I hope that I haven’t been making sexist remarks.” It wasn’t what I expected from him, and it was exactly what I needed to hear.   

Steve

Last year, as the war in Iraq raged on and the nation’s financial infrastructure began to crumble, Steve’s response to those who asked what he wanted for his birthday was “good news” (which by the way, is a great gift for anyone). I spent some time on the Internet and located a few sites that send you daily messages of hope and stories of people performing good deeds around the world. I forwarded those to Steve and signed myself up as well (doesn’t everyone need a little extra good news now and then?).

Lately, I have been really glad that I found those sites. Since launching this blog, I have spent considerable time tracking sexist remarks. The unfortunate side effect of this work is the need to live and breathe the sexism that is happening around the world. I find myself wondering why so many people appear to see women as lesser beings deserving of verbal assaults on their looks and character. And why aren’t more people rising up to challenge the persistent sexist commentary in the media? When you focus on sexism on a daily basis, it is impossible not to become angry, a little sad, and quite frustrated with the slow pace of change.

So last week, when one of my “good news” sites referenced the positive effects of the simple act of being grateful, I read on with interest. According to the DailyGood, research has shown that “when we think about someone or something we really appreciate and experience the feeling that goes with the thought, the parasympathetic—calming-branch of the autonomic nervous system—is triggered. This pattern when repeated bestows a protective effect on the heart.” (Not to mention your spirit.)

Given the recent onslaught of sexist remarks, I figured that I could use a little “calming.” So here goes—I am grateful for:

1. The early feminist leaders who set us on a path to gender equality.
2. Women and men who stand up to leaders in the business, media, entertainment, and political arenas when they use language that disparages women and girls.
3. The fact that the media bullies who target women with insulting remarks are increasingly being held accountable for their actions—and all the media watchdog organizations, like Media Matters, who help us to do so.
4. Men, like Dave Heuschkel (see Steve’s post  below), who work in (still) primarily male-dominated industries and are willing to go out on a limb to call out their colleagues when they make extraordinarily sexist comments.
5. Men, like Steve, who spend their own time (and money) on actions that promote gender equality—like this site.
6. All the women who work for social justice in myriad arenas, even as the fight for their own equality continues.
7. The women and men who e-mailed to tell us how much they appreciate what we are doing via this blog, who shared our site with their friends, who blogged about or linked to us, and especially those who left a comment about how to deal effectively with sexist remarks.

Because maybe the more we talk openly about what is wrong with sexist comments, the quicker we can stop them for good. Now that would be something to be grateful for.

Cynthia

Supporting Journalists Who Challenge Sexist Remarks

Dave Heuschkel, a columnist with a Sports Illustrated blog, is finding out what it’s like to be a journalist who takes on a sexist remark. He wrote his February 7 column about statements made by a commentator for the NBA’s Orlando Magic regarding Violet Palmer, the league’s only woman referee.

Richie Adubato, in criticizing one of Palmer’s calls during a game between the Magic and Indiana Pacers, suggested that she should be coaching in the professional women’s league, the WNBA.

In his column, Heuschkel pointed out that there was nothing wrong with Adubato criticizing Palmer’s call. But he noted that it was offensive to suggest that she didn’t belong in the NBA. Commentators often disagree with male referees, but Adubato managed to simultaneously attack both Palmer’s credentials and the level of professionalism in the WNBA.

Heuschkel’s column drew a large response from blog readers. A few were supportive, but most disagreed with him. Some personally attacked Heuschkel, others attacked the idea of a woman referee, and some directed sexist posts at post-ers who defended Heuschkel. The consistent theme of the negative posts was, “She’s a bad referee, and she should be subject to the same criticism as male officiators. If she can’t be criticized because she is a woman, then that is ‘reverse sexism.’”

This misses Heuschkel’s point. He doesn’t take the commentator to task for his negative assessment of Palmer’s call. Women’s performance should be subject to the same level of scrutiny as that of men, and pointing out a mistake by a woman in a highly public role is perfectly legitimate.

But if when a woman is criticized, it’s implied that she should be working in a “woman’s arena” because the expectations are lower, that is sexist. (In this case, the commentator alleged that she should be refereeing in the WNBA because, according to him, the women’s league has lower standards.)

We can help encourage journalism that challenges sexist stereotypes by supporting writers like Dave Heuschkel who do so. We can also ask media executives to tell their personnel who use sexist remarks that such behavior won’t be tolerated. I’ve written to the Sports Illustrated blog to thank them for running Heuschkel’s column about Violet Palmer (you can contact them here). I’ve also written to the Magic’s owner (whom you can contact here). Sample e-mails to both the blog and the Magic are here. I hope you’ll do so too.

Steve

Recently, we began writing to prominent people working on women’s issues and in the business, media, and entertainment arenas. We are asking them to share their experiences in dealing effectively with sexist remarks in their lives and careers. 

We look forward to hearing from these leaders but suspect that you have great advice about responding to sexist comments that you learned from the person who lives next door, works across the hall, or runs the local drycleaner or coffee shop. 

So let us hear from you. We created this blog to provide a place where women and men could come together to create strategies for responding to sexist remarks. 

We love comments. So tell us what you think about our posts, describe what you have learned about dealing with sexist comments, or let us know what you would like to see on the site. Most important, share your thoughts on how we can all work together to end sexist remarks. 

Cynthia and Steve

March 2009 is Women’s History Month, and March 8^th was International Women’s Day. This month is a time to reflect on both the positive contributions made by women here and around the world and the challenges to achieving gender equality that remain. 

A priority is ensuring that women feel safe—both physically and emotionally—this is critical to achieving the type of equality that will enable us to benefit from the strengths and contributions of both genders. An easy starting point is working to end sexist remarks that demean women and diminish their accomplishments. So let’s focus our energy this month on promoting the idea that women deserve to be treated respectfully by: 

1. Insisting that media executives put a stop to sexist commentary on their airwaves 
2. Asking our leaders to take a stand against sexist remarks in the business, government, and political arenas 
3. Working with our schools and universities to ensure that they set a good example for our children by eliminating sexist remarks from classrooms and campuses 
4. Helping to educate others—friends, family, colleagues—about the importance of ending sexist remarks 

March—it comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could say the same for how we think and talk about women this month?

Cynthia

A friend told me recently that she was surprised when she got my e-mail about starting this blog. “I thought it might be something you were doing for your wife,” she said. “I didn’t quite get why you are part of it.” I took her to mean, “Why is a man interested in helping to stop sexist remarks?” 

I explained that the sexist comments directed at Hillary Clinton during her campaign (which went unremarked by other political leaders and most of the media) had challenged my assumption that openly sexist comments were a thing of the past. I also noted that my personal experiences in responding to sexist expressions (not always well) convinced me that there must be other people interested in sharing solutions for responding appropriately. 

I should have added this: In May 2008, researchers at two universities reported that at least three-quarters of girls in their study reported having been the target of sexist comments. Among the study’s findings was that open recognition that a comment is sexist is a crucial first step in overcoming discrimination. “Otherwise, it is more likely that individuals [girls] attribute failure to their lack of ability rather than to the obstacles in their environment,” according to study co-author Campbell Leaper. 

That is, when girls are the targets of sexist comments and those around them don’t acknowledge what is happening, the girls absorb the negative message and blame themselves for feeling bad. Sexist remarks are not harmless relics—they undermine girls’ self-esteem. It’s not just that my niece or a friend’s daughter are going to be told that there are certain things they can’t or shouldn’t do; it’s that they well may believe it. 

Given that possibility, it is not a question of whether men should be involved in efforts to stop sexist remarks: we are already involved if we make remarks that diminish women or stand idly by when others do. It’s a question of whether we will commit to defending equal treatment for women in our daily interactions by both changing our own behavior and encouraging change in the behavior of others.

Steve

One of my progressive college professors once told me that “all pioneers get arrows in the ass.” Today, women breaking new ground must endure the slings and arrows of those of us who stand on the sidelines critiquing their performance. This includes the media, bloggers, and the ever-expanding number of “regular” people who are commenting on the Web.

It is not easy being first, with all eyes upon you, the living embodiment of an entire gender’s hopes and dreams and expectations. We want the women who go first to be perfect, represent us well, and prove that women can be and do anything.

I suspect that no one can live up to those expectations, especially not when performing their new role in the public eye on a daily basis. They are bound to stumble, miss the mark occasionally, or simply fail to meet our insistent need for them to not only succeed, but to do so spectacularly. This is, in fact, why it is critical to have more women (not one woman) at the table, so to speak; the burden of representing all of us is simply too great.

Our women pioneers are going to continue to get arrows in the ass; it just comes with the territory. But isn’t it up to the rest of us to lower our unrealistic expectations of them just a bit, support them when they stumble, and cheer them on when they succeed?

Next time you see a woman who is “being first,” let her know that you appreciate what she is doing for all of us.

Cynthia