Did you ever deal with a sexist remark so effectively that everyone walked away having learned something and feeling good? What did you do, and how did others respond? Back to Answering the Tough Questions.
Cynthia says: I have experienced a few moments of grace when I asked male professional colleagues to consider how their remarks affected the women in the room. It worked best when I did so after the fact and privately. In those instances, I chose my words carefully, asked them if they were aware of the reaction to their comment, explained my own discomfort with the remark, tried to help them understand how women feel when sexist remarks are made, and asked them to at least consider being more conscious about their language in the future.
I know from my experience working in the battered women’s movement that words matter and that once you start paying close attention to them, there is no turning back. I believe that by gently discussing the issue of sexist language, I raised the consciousness of at least some of those men. I suspect that the ones who cared about my opinion heard my cautioning voice in their heads the next time they were about to make an inappropriate remark.
Steve says: Is it possible to address a sexist comment in a way that allows the people involved to better understand each other’s perspective and why stopping sexist comments matters? Even though we can never control another person’s response, there is a way to approach sexist comments that improves the chances for a positive interaction.
Let’s face it—none of us likes to be told that we’re doing something wrong (even when we know that we are). So when possible, I find it’s helpful to approach interactions about sexist remarks with the assumption that the person who I’m addressing is well intentioned but just has a blind spot. That perspective requires that I use language that makes it more possible for them to hear what I’m saying.
Here’s a very simple example of another person’s critique of my behavior that I found effective. We share a vacuum cleaner with our neighbors. One day, one of them said to me, “This is not a criticism. I wanted to show you something on the vacuum. . . ” and then she asked me to do something differently. That little bit of reframing (“This is not a criticism”) completely changed the tone. It didn’t even matter if it was criticism—she chose to frame the conversation as something else. The other part of her approach that was effective (one that we often hear but find hard to stick to) was to talk about how my behavior affected her, rather than questioning my motives or passing judgment on my reasons for doing things the way that I did.
Obviously, the content of that conversation was less complex than a conversation about sexism. But whenever possible, I’ve decided to begin prefacing interactions about sexist remarks with “You probably were not intending to demean women with what you just said . . .” or “This is not a criticism.” I also try to use statements about how what they said affects me, rather than evaluating their intentions or character. (For example, “I don’t like to talk about women that way because someone close to me was the target of a lot of sexism when I was growing up” instead of “That’s a sexist comment that shows that you believe that women should be kept in their place.”)
Clearly, assuming the best doesn’t work with people who are overtly abusive and derogatory or who choose to ignore previous requests/conversations about the seriousness of sexist comments. I subscribe to Cynthia’s sentiment in her response to the first question. With repeat offenders—people who repeatedly ignore requests to stop using sexist comments—sometimes the only choice is to be blunt. In those cases, you aren’t likely to change their behavior. But you are setting a boundary and asking them not to cross it again. You’re also communicating to others present that demeaning women isn’t acceptable in any context.
What do you suggest? Post an answer
