I was talking to someone this week about this blog. She mentioned that when she first heard Anita Hill speak at Clarence Thomas’ confirmation hearing back in 1991, she’d started crying. She’d thought she was alone all those years and that when men cat-called to her on the street or made lewd come-ons in other settings, that was just the way the world worked and she had to learn to live with it. Anita Hill showed her she wasn’t alone and didn’t have to stand for degrading treatment. 

How many girls and women around the world have been told, overtly or implicitly, that sexism is just part of the way the world works? In their workplaces, their classrooms, their social settings, they see that men can demean women and face few if any consequences. 

Then one day, one person says “stop.” And if they find supporters, things can change, sometimes fast. But it takes the courage to both lead and follow. As Sivers says, “When you find a lone ‘nut’ doing something great, have the courage to stand up and join in.” 

Steve

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It is time for change, and we believe that change begins in small ways during everyday conversations. We created this blog to encourage you to take action—by responding to sexist remarks whenever possible and appropriate and then sharing what works so that we can end the use of sexist remarks in the future. 

Below we share our thoughts about sexist remarks and our reactions to related current events. We hope that you will respond to those or post your ideas about effectively addressing sexist remarks. 

Get involved today. Together we can stop sexist remarks. (Launched November 7, 2008)

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Just imagine—90 percent of the women surveyed had experienced at least what the study team called “low-level sexist behavior,” which included offensive remarks about being female or the woman’s appearance, body, or sexual activities (but did not involve the direct sexual advances experienced by ten percent of survey respondents). The researchers found that even these “low-level” forms of gender harassment negatively affect women in the workplace—both their job performance, and therefore opportunities, and their physical and emotional health. 

The findings are not surprising to anyone who has worked in a situation in which their male colleagues’ inappropriate remarks went unchecked by the company. Having worked for an organization in which a senior supervisor frequently suggested—in front of the company’s female (feminist) owners—that we put on kneepads and get to work raising capital (a veiled reference to getting down on our knees, etc.), I can attest to the fact that gender harassment takes place even in situations in which you might not expect it. 

What so many companies apparently fail to consider is that ending gender discrimination—in all forms—is in their own best interests. Women who work in a hostile environment simply cannot contribute to a company’s goals as effectively as they might otherwise. When gender harassment becomes either sexual harassment or “inappropriate work place behavior,” the associated costs become more obvious (consider the recent Hewlett Packard situation in which the CEO resigned after admitting to a personal relationship with a female contractor and the company’s stock plunged.) 

Clearly, ending sexist remarks/harassment in the work place is both morally right and fiscally sound. Watch this blog for a new “Take Action in the Workplace” later this fall. 

Cynthia

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These forms of sexism, she says, rarely meet with cor­po­rate action or legal redress. As a result, the vic­tims of such harass­ment usually are left one option—figure out a coping strategy. They ignore the offen­sive behav­ior, physically mov­e away, avoid circumstances in which they’ll likely encounter it, or try to defuse the situation by “becom­ing one of the boys”—plac­ing them­selves in the role of aggres­sor rather than of vic­tim—and prov­ing they can take the joke. 

LaFrance also points to data indicating the cost of being the target of such behavior: a higher likelihood of depres­sion, irri­tabil­ity, anx­i­ety, and con­fu­sion, and lower levels of achievement, self-esteem, gen­eral life sat­is­fac­tion, and basic opti­mism about per­sonal relationships. (So much for the abominable idea that sexist remarks are a form of “free speech,” which we addressed here and here.) 

As a result, the study indicates that  we should not try to convince ourselves that subtle sexism doesn’t matter. Whether we choose to respond in the moment, go away and figure out a response at a later time, or decide that under the circumstances the costs of responding are too great, acknowledging the importance of subtle sexism is the first step toward doing something about it. 

Perhaps most important, it’s helpful to remind ourselves of this truth: sexist remarks are the problem; our reaction to them is not. Doctors used to tell patients who complained of low energy and a general feeling of malaise that the problem was “all in their head” or that they were hypochondriacs—until researchers discovered chronic fatigue syndrome. Sexist remarks are a symptom of a serious malady—an attempt to hold back equal opportunity for girls and women. When we choose, we can respond to those who discount our reactions to sexist remarks the way that patients finally did to these doctors regarding their ailments—insisting, quietly but firmly, that they are real, serious, and worthy of attention. 

Steve

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It appears that we have reached a new high (or is it low?) in knee-jerk reactions to complex situations (e.g., the recent Department of Agriculture fiasco) and the smug critiquing of everyone else’s looks, actions, and ideas (e.g., reality television and the comments posted on so many blogs). 

All the chatter feels like over-stimulation without a cause. I often sense that we are sharing our perspectives, but not really listening to each other—thereby reducing our chances for resolving serious problems. 

Suffice it to say that my friend’s e-mail got me thinking about the role of this blog and how we can focus on positive solutions to the problems of sexist remarks. One option is to create support for the individuals and organizations who have independently decided to avoid sexist comments in their lives and work. Let’s face it—boycotts work, but so does supporting people and places that support you back. 

So here goes. I have written in the past about comedians my husband and I have seen while traveling—you know, the ones who are still telling mother-in-law jokes or bemoaning their wives’ shoe collections (and those are the less degrading aspects of gender-based humor). There are, however, plenty of comedians out there who find humor in situations—and not at the expense of women. Jake Johannsen is one of them. 

My husband and I try to see Jake whenever he is in town. He is hysterically funny, and his humor covers the waterfront, from the personal to the political. More important, he is funny without taking shots at anyone’s race, gender, etc. After he married a few years back, he integrated into his act new material about married life and the differences between men and women—but he did so without trashing his wife or regurgitating misogynist stereotypes. In fact, many of his stories are self-deprecating and seem to come from a place of awareness and respect for what women bring to the world (and to men). All of that and he is still funny—imagine that?!! 

So the next time he is in your town, check out Jake Johannsen. He is proof that you can be funny while maintaining respectful boundaries. 

I am willing to bet that he can make you laugh . . . and not at anyone’s expense. 

Cynthia

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One study found that girls are twice as likely as boys to be detained for these offenses, with detention lasting five times longer than for boys. And the more time these girls spend in juvenile detention for status offenses, the greater the likelihood that they’ll get involved in real crime later. The speaker noted that criminologists who study the issue have concluded that judges and police treat girls more harshly because they consider status offenses like running away as more normal for boys and deviant for girls, and therefore more deserving of punishment.

In other words, the roots of our unequal treatment of girls are gender-based expectations that are shaped by how we talk about girls and boys. Here then is another reason to pay attention—and counter—the seemingly innocent comments we hear that reflect assumptions about both young people and adults (we previously addressed some of these here). Words matter—words shape people’s attitudes, and those in turn affect the real decisions made by people who have in their hands the power to alter girls’ lives for good or ill.

Steve

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In 1977, Polanski was accused of drugging and raping a 13-year-old girl in Los Angeles. He was charged with rape, pleaded guilty to unlawful sex with a minor, and fled the country when he learned that the judge on the case might not honor the original plea bargain. Quite frankly, running away is an understandable, if not honorable, action—most people facing jail time probably would do the same if they had money and opportunity. Fear and the loss of freedom are powerful motivators.

Fast forward to September 2009. Polanski was arrested by Swiss police while trying to enter Switzerland to pick up a lifetime achievement award from the Zurich Film Festival. He was placed under house arrest in his Swiss chateau until that government’s recent decision not to extradite him.

To understand more about the Polanski case, I watched the documentary “Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired,” and admittedly felt some sympathy for the man regarding how his case was handled. But that is about all the concern I can conjure for him.

Even if we assume that Polanski was misguided or caught up in a Hollywood subculture of privilege, sex, and violence (and those are rather big assumptions that in no way suggest that what he did was acceptable), we still need to take a measure of the man after he was confronted—by the law, by society, by the victim—with the terrible reality of what he had done.

Did he regret and publicly apologize for his actions (and for his subsequent remarks about having sex with young girls)? Did he choose to contribute his time and talent to helping others avoid the terrible mistake he made? Did he support services for young women who have been similarly victimized? In other words, did he seek to make amends (and not just monetarily, although I hope his victim received a considerable sum)?

Nope. Instead, as the Huffington Post said earlier this year, Polanski has “cultivated the image of a sympathetic victim who has been unfairly exiled from the U.S.”

I have watched this story unfold from the perspective of how we talk about women—particularly those who have been abused by men in some form or another. While I do not profess to understand the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office’s focus on the Polanski case so many years after the alleged crime, I am even more perplexed by the Hollywood elite who recently rose to his defense. Are we to believe, as the petition signed by numerous famous directors might suggest, that talent negates the need to obey the laws, to treat women with respect, or to protect children?

While I have no interest in Polanski’s arrest or detention—I doubt that the costs of his trial or confinement would serve us well at this juncture—I do want to stop the sexual abuse of young girls. It seems to me that Polanski, if he is sorry for actions (which he certainly must be now that he has a daughter of his own), has the talent, resources, and connections to make a substantial contribution to that cause.

And therein lies the potential for a positive outcome from this sad story—to explore how we might better use the laws at our disposal to prevent future crimes of a similar nature. Couldn’t we have sentenced Roman Polanski—apparently one of the most acclaimed directors of his generation—to make restitution to the victim and to support efforts to end sexual violence against women?

Los Angeles—here is an idea that you might consider in wrapping up this case. Offer Polanski a plea agreement in which he stipulates to the crime and agrees to do the following under the supervision of key national woman’s organizations:

Talk openly about the circumstances that lead men to victimize young girls—and seek to promote a new culture in which that no longer occurs.

Produce a series of educational films:

For young girls, emphasizing their value, teaching them how to avoid adult males who do not have their best interests at heart, and telling them where to go for help should they need it

For young men, emphasizing that non-consensual sex is wrong in all situations (and for adult males, sex with underage girls is always non-consensual), promoting a culture of equality, and teaching them to be respectful of women

 If Polanski is genuinely sorry for what he did in LA close to 30 years ago, let him use his talents to ensure that it no longer happens in 2010.

Cynthia

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A few things stand out about the story. Tabouleh’s response to the remark at a followup meeting had three key elements: 

First, she said that she found the joke inappropriate for our current time and especially coming from someone in an official capacity. 

Second, she appealed to the better side of the leader by telling him that she knows that he supports women in her field. 

Third, she explained why sexist remarks matter (language shapes behavior). 

It turned out that others who heard the joke had also found it sexist and inappropriate but didn’t say anything (we wrote about this phenomenon here). In fact, after Tabouleh challenged the leader about the joke, he tried to undermine her with another sexist comment but was shouted down by his male colleagues. 

By challenging a sexist remark that took place in a public setting, Tabouleh raised the bar for men in that organization. Key members are now on notice that there is no support (at least not publicly) for sexist jokes and remarks—they do not fit within the organizational culture. I second the respondent to her post who wished she could give Tabouleh a medal for “extreme courage.” Tabouleh went for it (her words) and changed her corner of the world for the better as a result. 

One more thing—we were encouraged to hear that she was inspired to take action because of this blog. Thanks to those of you who participate by sending your comments and helping to make this a place to get support and ideas. 

Steve

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Cynthia: If I had a dollar for every time that I wished I had a snappy retort for a sexist heckler, I would be living on easy street. It is especially challenging in situations in which you are invested—for example, at work (your job), at home (in the nice neighborhood that you don’t want to leave), or with a favorite circle of friends (which can be ruined if a flagrant teaser goes unchecked). Moreover, unless it is your personal style, coming up with a witty remark isn’t easy under normal conditions, let alone stressful ones. Here are my top three suggestions for our post-er (and others) about dealing with a sexist neighbor (see also Steve’s thoughts below):

Be prepared: Since helping to launch this blog, I decided that I needed to be as prepared as possible to respond to as many of the sexist remarks that I encounter (i.e., setting an example, living up to my own blog’s mission, and all that). Just making that decision and taking the time to decide how I will handle such comments has taken the pressure off in really challenging situations. It also has made it possible for me to speak up more often than not and to know my own limits. So decide when, where, and how you choose to address sexist remarks—you will be more likely to speak up at times when your words might have a positive effect and less likely to feel bad when they don’t. Steve has come up with two lists of great one-liner responses to sexist comments. Check those out under Setting Boundaries in 15 Words or Less and Responding to Sexist Jokes.

Engage your husband: Talk with him about how he felt about your neighbor’s comments, explain how you felt, and ask for his support in the future. My husband is one of the least sexist men I know but when we first hooked up, he did not challenge the sometimes overtly sexist remarks made by the people around us. So, I asked him to be more aware of the kinds of comments that are designed to make women uncomfortable and to either speak up directly or to actively support me when I do. Because he cares about me, he was willing to pay more attention and over time has become more sensitive to, and therefore more willing to challenge, sexist remarks.

Husbands also are a great source of information about how to connect with other men. My husband has taught me a lot about when to keep it light, when to set firm boundaries, and when to walk away. Most important, I feel like I have a teammate in my quest to more effectively respond to sexist remarks.

When all else fails, simply tell people what you want: I wrote a post about this awhile back because many women have trouble simply asking for what they want (we are raised to think first about the needs of others). Here is a piece of what I wrote that applies to our post-er’s situation:

If you find yourself socializing with people who make inappropriate comments about women, for example, nicely tell them that you would prefer that they not share their sexist jokes when partying with you. If someone is calling you “honey” in a setting that makes you uncomfortable—quietly tell the person that you would prefer to be called by your name. 

Will some people react badly? Sure they will, but as I heard Oprah say recently, maybe it is time to start believing what people tell you about themselves. When friends and colleagues are unwilling to honor our clear and specific requests about how we prefer to be treated, their behavior is the problem, not ours. 

So make it easy on yourself in 2010. Rather than trying to come up with the perfect response to every possible type of sexist remark that you might encounter—simply ask the people making those comments to stop. 

Steve: Cynthia makes great points above. I’d just add that men have a special responsibility to speak up when, as in the case of the post-er’s husband above, the man making the comment tries to enlist their support. My experience has been that men who make these comments are looking for some kind of validation through gender identity. Odd as it is, they’re trying to use sexism to build a bond (the underlying message is, “we buddies have to stick together against these women who are [fill in the blank]”).

It often just takes one clear statement to stop those comments for good (stories here and here). In fact, I’ve sometimes spoken up because I want to nip that kind of conversation in the bud so it doesn’t show up again at an even more awkward time.

I also find it easiest just to be honest about why I don’t think the way the other guy does. In the case of our post-er’s husband, it could be enough just to say (if true): “I like to think of taking care of my kids as part of being a good father,” or “It doesn’t really work that way for us—taking care of our kids is something we both do” [or whatever best describes the arrangement].

But as Cynthia says, maybe taking a prevention approach is even more important than being able to think on our feet. To that end, men in a relationship can support the women in their lives by asking what they need in those circumstances (see more discussion of this here in our “Answering Tough Questions” section).  

Help us out readers. Share your thoughts and ideas for how you’ve handled sexist remarks in your neighborhoods.

Cynthia and Steve

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In fact, recent research indicates that sexist remarks change behavior and result in actual harm. For the benefit of those of you who encounter the “free speech” argument as an excuse for sexist remarks, here are brief summaries of three recent studies about the effects of sexist expression: 

A 2008 study that appeared in the journal Child Development found that at least three-quarters of the girls in the study ages 12 to 18 reported having been the target of sexist comments. Among the findings was that such comments make it more likely that girls will attribute failure to their lack of ability rather than to obstacles in their environment. 

A 2007 study by a researcher from Western Carolina University found that sexist jokes can lead to toleration of hostile feelings and discrimination against women. The study showed that sexist humor allows men to feel comfortable with behavioral expressions of sexism and to not fear disapproval from their peers. 

A 2007 study in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that sexist comments are more likely to be directed toward women who are perceived to break traditional gender roles. The study indicated that men, especially in male-dominated professions, appeared to use harassment and sexist comments to protect their disproportionate access to power.  

Those who claim that the First Amendment gives them the right to say what they like need to consider that claim in light of these studies—and the women they know (daughters, mothers, nieces, and so forth). It’s clear that if we value free speech, we’ll also take seriously the responsibility that accompanies it. 

Steve

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