How did you get started addressing sexism in everyday situations? Describe the type of situations in which you first began dealing with sexist remarks (for example, with longtime friends or with strangers with whom you would not need to interact again), and what made it possible for you to begin to do so in other circumstances? Back to Answering the Tough Questions.
Cynthia says: I was lucky to come of age during the height of the second wave of the feminist movement (thank you Betty Friedan, Gloria Steinem, et al.). Those bright, charismatic women taught me about opportunity, the need to change cultural norms regarding male and female roles, and how sexism—in our homes, schools, workplaces, and the media—was keeping women down. In college and during the early part of my career, I was around people who believed in equality, so I had the chance to learn how to identify the range of sexist remarks—from the obvious to the more subtle. I also saw that there was far greater power in addressing sexist comments when you did so as a team—for example, with one or more women speaking up and others supporting her/them when the response was denial (“Oh, I didn’t mean anything by that”) or teasing (“Stop being so sensitive”).
Because I was fortunate enough to work with feminists and progressive men, I often found it easier to deal with sexist remarks in the workplace (where I had support) than in social situations in which I might be dealing with generational issues or cohorts of men who had not yet recognized the advantages of women being equal partners. In my twenties and thirties, I frequently was called a feminist with exaggerated derision when I suggested that women could play different roles in relationships or the workplace, enjoy and/or participate in sports, or otherwise choose a life not prescribed by the ’50s cultural model.
Later in life, I spent more time with people who shared my basic perspective on equality and began to think that things had really changed for better, and in some ways they have. The 2008 Presidential primary season, however, awakened me to the “bubble” that I live in socially and professionally—hence the launching of this site.
While I still principally work and socialize with women and men who care about equality (or in some instances, at least the appearance of equality), some social settings still present unique challenges for me. Those include situations in which most of the people present appear to share a more conservative worldview and the simple act of raising a social justice issue causes eyebrows to be raised. While addressing sexist remarks (or even an overall sexist perspective) can be challenging in these circumstances, I am continually working on doing so in the hope that my ideas might persuade even one person in the group that all of us are better served when women are perceived as equal and treated with respect. What makes this possible is a supportive husband and feminist friends who champion my efforts—no matter how imperfect.
Steve says: My first experience in responding to a sexist comment involved confronting a male colleague in a work setting who was high on the corporate ladder. (The full story appears here.) The seeds of my decision to speak up were planted through prior discussions with friends to whom the issue of sexism mattered a great deal. Over the course of many years, we had conversations about the injustice of pre-determining people’s roles, abilities, and life choices based on gender. (We also shared similar ideas related to discrimination based on sexual orientation.)
What we didn’t have was a plan for addressing sexism when we encountered it face to face–we didn’t talk about how you deal effectively—and where possible gracefully—with sexist remarks during daily conversations. (Helping people plan ways to do so, of course, is the purpose of this site.)
As a result, as described in the story linked to above, my attempt to address my colleague’s remark was less than perfect. Whether it changed his behavior, or anyone else’s, is an open question. But it certainly made me more curious about how other people handle these situations and what I might do differently the next time.
When I did next encounter a sexist comment (made by a physical therapist during an appointment, as described here), I handled it in a way that may actually have changed his future behavior. It helped that I responded to my therapist after consulting with friends—one of whom had been through similar encounters a number of times—to confirm my impressions of the situation and the message that I wanted to convey.
I draw two lessons from those experiences. The first is the importance of finding a support network of other people who also care about ending sexism. When you need to address a comment, they can remind you that you aren’t strange or out of step, they can strengthen your resolve to do something about the episode, and they can help you determine the best approach. The second lesson is that it’s more important to speak up than to worry about doing it perfectly. Challenging a sexist remark is your invitation to the person making the remark to have a conversation about why they made it and why you believe sexism has no place in our discourse or our communities.
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