How should women and men prepare themselves to address sexist comments? Back to Answering the Tough Questions.
Steve says: I think of preparation as helping me to resist a pull toward inaction. Society expects inaction/polite acceptance in the face of sexist remarks, which is usually why men feel free to make them. Preparation is what enables us to resist that expectation. Here are some steps that I find helpful in preparing:
- Change my mindset: I’ve begun thinking of situations involving sexist comments less as unpleasant encounters to be dreaded than as opportunities to both learn about what is behind these remarks and create change toward a more egalitarian society.
- Find the core: It helps to know why I care about this issue. For me, the core is wanting girls and boys to grow up in a world different from the one that exists today, where at least 75 percent of girls experience sexist remarks, where sexist jokes and remarks hurled at female Presidential candidates merit no more than a passing reference in our media, and where professional women have to deal not only with the pressures of their jobs but unwelcome comments about appearance and other diminishing remarks by their male colleagues.
- Get perspective: I remind myself that any discomfort I experience in challenging sexism in conversation pales in comparison to the negative effects on the girls and women of the real discrimination that flows from sexist comments.
- Recognize limitations: I find it helpful to think ahead about whether there are situations in which I’m not able to or don’t want to respond. As noted in my response to question 2, I no longer respond to the sexist remarks of one of my male relatives because I and others have had many prior discussions with him about the issue. Outside of that setting, this issue is so important to me that I attempt to respond whatever the situation.
- Envision an appropriate response: At least once a week (usually when driving or running), I mentally run through a scenario in which a sexist remark is made and then formulate an appropriate response. While I have a stock phrase when all else fails (see my response to question 1), it is helpful to have a range of responses ready. My goal, whenever possible, is to reply in a way that creates an opening for discussion about sexist comments. (I see this exercise as akin to the type of “visioning” that top performers, from athletes to actors to public speakers, use to get themselves into frame of mind that makes success possible.)
Cynthia says: Knowing a sexist remark when you hear one is the easy part—being prepared to deal with such comments during everyday situations is a bit more challenging. Women can prepare themselves by:
- Deciding how they feel about the different types of sexist remarks and therefore what they want to say to/discuss with people who make such comments
- Choosing when and where they want to address sexist remarks (which is hopefully more often than not—see my response to question 2 above for a list of places/events at which I choose not to respond to sexist remarks)
- Thinking about what they want to accomplish in responding to sexist remarks in different settings and/or with different types of people, and selecting an approach that will help achieve their goals (it is important for each woman to consider her own style when deciding how to respond to sexist remarks)
- Preparing a few phrases that they are comfortable using to let people know they find sexism unacceptable (see Steve’s great list of responses in the post, Setting Boundaries in 15 Words or Less)
- Teaming up with a friend, family member, or workplace colleague and agreeing to support one another as they begin to more routinely or directly respond to sexist remarks. For women, there is nothing more valuable than the support of a trusted friend who will remind them that their response to a sexist remark did not create the tension (or other type of discomfort)—the person who made the sexist remark did.
Perhaps most important, decide to take the risk—the risk that you might “cause a scene,” upset someone who doesn’t agree with you, or be told that you are overly sensitive. Risk takers—for example, the early civil rights leaders who took far greater risks than speaking up when someone made an inappropriate remark—often help make the world a better place. (That said, please carefully consider the risks that you can afford to take, especially in situations in which those might negatively impact your livelihood.)
Moreover, speaking up in the face of sexist remarks is something that you do for yourself, for the women and girls around you who may not have the opportunity to speak up for themselves, for the men who need to (and simply may not) understand the impact of their words, for the men who knowingly use words to assert power over women and need to be called on their inappropriate actions, and for the next generation to whom we owe a world that is at least slightly better than we found it.
What do you suggest? Post an answer.
