Did another woman or man effectively intervene on your behalf when someone made a sexist remark to you? What did they do, how did you feel, and how did others respond? Back to Answering the Tough Questions.
Cynthia says: I am truly appreciative when someone (male or female) speaks up when a sexist remark is directed my way. In those moments, I feel a little less alone and therefore empowered to address the comment in what I hope is a helpful manner. There have been, however, situations in which someone’s response (supposedly on my behalf) left me feeling more uncomfortable than did the original comment (for example, escalating a negative exchange that did little to address the core problem) or made it more challenging to speak up on my own behalf.
The best example I can share is not about someone speaking up when a sexist remark was directed at me—yet the lessons from that experience apply well in those situations. When I was just starting out professionally, I was in New York City for training on mediation at a renowned institute. My supervisor and I were invited to dinner, and he opted out, leaving me to attend the function with four very senior institute personnel. As they were driving me back to my hotel, several of the trainers began making disparaging remarks about my supervisor (I suspect they were somewhat put off by his failure to accept their dinner invitation), and then asked me what I thought of him.
The only other woman in the group quickly spoke up to say that her colleagues’ comments were probably making me uncomfortable. In reality, her comment, which directed the focus back to me, made me more uncomfortable by putting me in the position of having to figure out how to gracefully respond both to the original comment and whether the conversation was making me uncomfortable. Keep in mind that the car was full of mediation trainers who were significantly more senior professionally than I was at the time. They would be assessing my final performance the following day to determine whether I would receive my mediation training certificate.
In the very brief intervening silence that followed (while I attempted to gather my thoughts), the woman spoke again, suggesting that while I might not be uncomfortable, she was. At that point, one of the men shifted the conversation to another topic and I was left feeling very awkward about the exchange (including the appearance that I had failed to speak up on my boss’ behalf). Could I have handled the situation better? Probably, but I had just graduated from college and felt a little out of my league.
In retrospect, it would have been easier for me if the female mediation trainer had simply said that the conversation was making her uncomfortable and then changed the subject. She could have expressed her own feelings honestly and then refocused the conversation, thereby taking the pressure off of me.
That experience illustrates a couple of rules of thumb that are useful when considering whether and how to intervene on someone’s behalf when they are subject to a sexist (or otherwise challenging) comment or question:
- Give the person a moment to speak, glancing quickly at them to determine their level of discomfort and whether they appear to have noticed the remark and/or to be interested in responding.
- Consider the age, position, and experience level of the person who is the target of the comment (this is true professionally and personally), and the complexity of the scenario (who is involved, the relationship of the person making the comment to the recipient, and the type of circumstance in which the comment is made)—all of those variables might influence how you handle the situation.
- Use “I” statements whenever possible—if you want to speak up, do so for yourself or on behalf of all women.
- Avoid putting the target of the initial comment further under the spotlight—share your reaction to the comment rather than asking the person to respond.
- Speak privately to the person making the sexist remark in situations in which doing so publicly might create more stress for the target of the remark (or real problems, for example, if the person making the remark is the supervisor of the person targeted). During that conversation, be sure to explain that the comment made you (not the other woman involved) uncomfortable and why.
- Consider talking privately later with the person who was the target of the sexist remark, as appropriate. Explain why you said what you did, and ask how they felt about both the initial comment and your response. Be prepared for times when the person may not share your reaction to the original comment or agree with your approach. Keep in mind that even if the person disagrees with your response, you have a right to speak up whenever sexist remarks are made in your presence—just be sure to frame the response as your own, and try not to make the situation worse for the other person involved. If the other woman appears interested/receptive (especially when they are in a more junior position professionally and/or younger/less experienced than you are), you also might offer guidance on how to handle similar situations in the future.
The goal is for all of us to support women who are the targets of sexist remarks without putting them at risk of further discomfort or potentially creating problems for them. Maybe then more people might decide to speak up, thereby “seconding” our responses to sexist comments and moving us toward sexist remark-free events, offices, and communities.
Steve says: Because sexist remarks directed at men are rare, the closest approximation I’ve experienced are the subtle forms of typecasting by gender that people perpetuate in everyday conversation (for example, “men don’t talk about feelings” or “men don’t’ clean”). These comments are not the same in intent or effect as real sexist remarks—the degrading, derogatory, and sexually oriented ones—that women are subjected to regularly. But they do contribute to the gender role rigidity that provides fertile ground for sexist comments.
One episode in which someone stepped in on my behalf taught me a lesson about the importance of standing up to abuse of any kind. When I was 16, I worked in a restaurant. I got along well with all of my co-workers except one, a cook in his mid-thirties who seemed to take pleasure in berating me over issues that I thought were unfair—for example, for taking my full 15-minute break during a shift. One night, I told one of the managers that I was going on break; the cook overheard, walked up to me in the break room and said, “you don’t need a break—get back in there—there’s too much to do.” The manager happened to overhear and said to him in front of me, “Cut it out. Leave him alone and do your job!” And after that, he did. Other coworkers apparently had noticed his unfair treatment, because after that incident they began making supportive comments to me like, “I don’t know why that guy doesn’t like you, but I’m glad that [the manager] put a stop to it” and “That guy really needs to be fired.” (And a week later, he was.)
Because I was young and inexperienced, it was a revelation that it wasn’t acceptable for older employees to mistreat those newer and younger. Before that episode, I’d assumed that I just had to accept abuse and move on. I never would have dreamed of reporting his behavior to management. So it reminds me that one of the biggest benefits of an effective intervention about sexist remarks is that it conveys to younger women, and others present, that sexist remarks are not the norm, that they are not acceptable in any setting, that sexist expression should be confronted and brought to an end rather than tolerated and ignored.
Because overlooking sexist remarks can lay the groundwork for other kinds of abuse—promotion and pay discrimination, sexual harassment, and worse. Conversely, it is possible to turn around the culture of an organization almost single-handedly by saying “no” to sexism.
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