Stop Sexist Remarks

We began with the premise that gender bias and sexist commentaries and remarks remain a barrier for women in this country, both overtly and in subtle ways that are sometimes hard to describe. We also believe that words matter and that while it remains unclear which comes first, words or action, we know that language helps to define us. Responding to sexist remarks when we encounter them is the first step toward stopping sexist remarks in our culture.

Most of us have heard sexist language in our conversations—at a neighborhood barbecue, work, or a family reunion. Responding to these comments is hard—especially in personal situations—because we fear creating a scene or hurting someone’s feelings. None of us wants to feel separate from the crowd.

But saying nothing is worse. Looking back, we think (usually correctly) that our silence is interpreted as agreement, indifference, or fear. We simmer, think about what we should have done, and vent to our friends.

Yet none of those actions change much, and the best strategy is responding in the moment in ways that help people to understand the impact of their words. Everyone gets a clear message—in real time—that certain types of comments are unacceptable and why. Women, and especially young girls, learn that others care about them and will not let objectionable remarks pass.

It is not going to be easy, especially since the range of types of sexist remarks you might encounter makes it hard to be ready with a helpful comeback in every situation. Like everything else that you want to do well, it will take practice.

Helping you to get started is one of the purposes of this blog–-so we have provided some answers to a few basic questions about sexist remarks below.

What is a sexist remark?
How can I distinguish between sexist remarks and other forms of teasing?
Why should I speak up?
What are the risks associated with responding to sexist comments?
What are the rewards of responding to sexist comments?
How do I prepare to respond to sexist comments?

Use what works for you from the information—adapting it to your own style—and then be sure to come back and post your positive experiences in effectively addressing sexist remarks in everyday life.

What is a sexist remark?

Sexism simply is discrimination based on gender, particularly discrimination against women, and comprises attitudes, conditions, or behaviors that promote stereotyping of social roles based on gender. Sexist remarks therefore typically are intended to make women feel powerless, uncomfortable, or sad.

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How can I distinguish between sexist remarks and other forms of teasing?

The old maxim probably applies: you will know it when you hear it. Moreover teasing, which often is a cover for hidden aggression, is never acceptable when it includes the use of sexist, racist, or homophobic comments.

Women often worry that they will appear to be overreacting, so they might begin by learning to trust their own instincts, particularly how they feel when sexist remarks are made. Did a comment make you feel bad about yourself, embarrassed or uncomfortable, or angry or sad?

Men should learn to recognize sexist remarks by reading more about the issue and talking with their partner and women friends about the types of comments that make women uncomfortable.

So how do you differentiate between an appropriate challenge to a woman in power and a sexist comment? How about between a compliment and a sexist comment? Or between a legitimate request and a sexist assumption? We credit the Los Angeles Times “Comments Blog (Because sometimes the comments are the best part; September 5, 2008)” with helping us to think more clearly about these distinctions:

Appropriate Challenge: Demanding that a woman politician explain her position on a key issue.

Sexist Remark: Calling a woman politician loud, shrill, unattractive, or pushy.

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Compliment: Telling the bride that she looks beautiful just before she walks down the aisle.

Sexist Remark: Telling the only woman in a meeting, just before it starts, that you like her blouse (and not telling her male counterparts that you like their shirts).

***

Legitimate Request: Asking a woman at a meeting whether she could take notes because she serves as the elected Secretary of the organization.

Sexist Assumption: Asking a woman at a meeting to take notes because “we guys aren’t good at that kind of thing.”

As you skim the examples, it becomes fairly clear that sexist remarks are designed to put women down or to make them feel uncomfortable in situations in which they are expected to perform.

When the media questions female candidates about their policy choices, they make them powerful—they are looking to them for thoughtful analysis and answers. When the media talks about their looks or the tenor of their voice, they demean them. When a man compliments the bride on her wedding day, his intention is to bring her joy and make her feel wonderful on a special day. When a man compliments a women publicly in the work place, he draws attention to the woman’s physical attributes, not her mind—in a setting in which the latter, not the former, is important.

So when you hear what seems like a sexist remark, ask yourself:

1. Was the comment intended to make the recipient (which might be you) feel better or to create discomfort or separate them from a group?
2. Would a reasonable person consider the remark sexist?

Taking a moment to consider your level of discomfort—or that of the woman being targeted by the remark—in a few different situations will help you to begin to rely on your feelings. With practice, those feelings can be an accurate gauge of whether someone is making a remark designed to put women down or make them uncomfortable—and therefore less effective—in a particular situation.

Speaking up in any difficult situation is never easy and will require that you first become comfortable with when and how you want to respond.

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Why should I speak up?

Sexist comments are disrespectful to women and harmful to efforts to promote equality. And in our culture, language matters. What appears to be a subtle remark can have ramifications far beyond the current situation. When a supervisor suggests in a staff meeting, for example, that women are not as analytical as men, he sets the tone for how the women in his group will be perceived and treated by others. And when young girls and boys hear sexist remarks that go unchallenged, they will be more likely to believe the validity of those comments.

The simple truth is that the more we challenge the use of sexist remarks designed to control or demean women, the less often they will occur. Women then will be more fully able to contribute positively to their families, their neighborhoods, their cities, their countries, and the world.

Women also need to speak up for personal reasons. By remaining silent, they suffer the dual costs of absorbing the negative comment and feeling badly that they didn’t have the capacity to defend themselves. Responding to sexist remarks enables women to feel powerful about the control they have over such situations and to model that behavior (and how good it feels) for other women and girls.

Men have a particular responsibility to speak up in response to sexist comments because they face fewer risks than do women in the current culture. In many settings, men have more power than women similarly situated. That is, they are more likely to be in leadership positions, their opinions are given more weight, and their right to assert themselves is less likely to be questioned than if they were women. It also can be easier to speak up when you are not the direct recipient of an offensive remark.

Men can support women who are the targets of sexist remarks by either challenging the comment or supporting the woman when she does. By speaking up, men, especially those in positions of power, can help to create a culture in business and social settings in which sexist remarks are not tolerated.

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What are the risks associated with responding to sexist comments?

Exercising caution is a good rule of thumb whenever you decide to tackle a new challenge, and responding to sexist remarks is no exception. Before getting started, it is important to understand and carefully weigh the associated risks. Consider both the worst that can happen and how you might address it if it does, including the potential for:

1. Creating the perception that you always are simply looking for problems; this is especially harmful on the job but can affect friendships as well.
2. Causing discomfort or even a temporary break in a relationship with a friend, co-worker, or family member. People typically do not like to be told about their behavior and may find it difficult to hear your concerns. They may become visibly tense or angry; in some cases, they may not express those feelings but will become distant.
3. Creating an embarrassing scene in a public setting. Many people go along politely when objectionable sentiments are expressed in public to avoid the risk of creating a conflict in front of other people. Most of us don’t want to call negative attention to ourselves or someone else.
4. Being viewed as different or odd for caring about sexism, something that happens to both women and men for different reasons. Being a “feminist” still carries negative connotations for women in myriad settings. And while many men care about equality, they often keep their beliefs to themselves because they worry about the perception that pro-feminist men are not “manly.”

In light of the risks, everyone who visits this blog will need to determine where and when they are willing to speak up in the face of sexist remarks. It is wise not to try this first with your boss (or worse, your supervisor’s boss) or in a situation in which your career or financial livelihood are on the line. You also probably should not choose Uncle Joe’s 96^th birthday to let him know about the need to change his sexist ways. Timing and location can be everything.

But do begin somewhere. Choose a good friend who occasionally makes comments about or to women that make you uncomfortable but who is otherwise open and willing to change. Or start in other situations in which you feel safe speaking up. And remember the following when you do:

1. Your response to the sexist remark did not create the tension, anxiety, or discomfort—the sexist remark did.
2. The person responsible for any breaches in relationships is the one who chose to create discord with a sexist comment; your decision to respond to their inappropriate remark did not cause the resulting fallout.
3. In most situations, there is silent group of supporters who agree with you but are unable to speak up, for myriad reasons. Your actions may embolden them to do so in the future, or they may offer you support privately.
4. When you speak up, especially for a just cause, you break the silence and give everyone present permission to do the same—it is a gift of courage, and that alone can make the effort worthwhile.

By speaking up, women also teach other women and young girls that they have a voice and power over their own lives. When men challenge their male colleagues, family members, and friends to consider how they speak to and about women, they help to redefine masculinity in a way that will benefit future generations of men.

So yes, there will be consequences, but holding onto one’s principles—like the importance of equality—may not be worth much if we aren’t willing to take some risks or make some sacrifices, at least from time to time.

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What are the rewards of responding to sexist comments?

Speaking up in the face of sexist remarks can also result in positive outcomes, including:

1. Starting a dialog among the people you know about the rewards of addressing sexism. Sharing the story of how you handled a sexist comment will raise awareness of the need to end the acceptance of sexist remarks—reaching a wider circle than those involved directly in the episode itself.
2. Changing the behavior of the person who made the comment. This may happen because you helped to educate them about the effects of their words on others. And even if you simply make someone uncomfortable for speaking inappropriately about women, you will have highlighted the potential costs to them of doing so in the future. That could be enough to give them pause before they speak the next time.
3. Changing the behavior of those who witnessed the episode. Often, bystanders stay silent but do not feel neutral—they may agree with you but are unable or willing to speak up themselves. By doing so, you’ve shown that there are people who will not tolerate sexist remarks, and you’ve created the possibility that they will think more about the issue.
4. Contributing to efforts to promote gender equality. Every time you respond effectively to a sexist remark, you help tilt the balance toward a society that chooses not to diminish half of its population.

Perhaps most important, you will have done the right thing, even if it’s not popular or easy. You will be part of the solution, helping to change how we think, speak about, and treat women.

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How do I prepare to respond to sexist comments?

Practice makes perfect, so after you determine in which situations you are willing and able to respond to sexist remarks, you might try the following:

1. Think about what you might say in response to the different types of sexist comments. Just like you might practice answering interview questions while driving to and from a job that you are ready to leave, think about what you want to say when people make sexist remarks to you or others.
2. Rehearse. Ask a good friend who is interested in the issue to rehearse possible scenarios with you.
3. Create a support team. Invite friends who care about this issue to agree to support each other as they try new methods for dealing with sexist remarks. Talk about the situations you have dealt with in the past, what you wished you had said, and what worked and what didn’t. Processing your experiences with other people, and knowing they will be there for you when you take a risk in responding to sexist remarks, will make it easier to react in the way that you desire when sexist comments arise.
4. Steel yourself. Decide that it’s worth it, and know that no matter the outcome, you’re far more likely to feel better that you said something than if you didn’t. Remind yourself on a regular basis that it’s worth it to speak up on behalf of women everywhere.

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