How can men best support women when they are responding to sexist remarks? When should they respond on a woman’s behalf, and how can they be effective in doing so?
Back to Answering the Tough Questions.
Steve says: Men can best learn how to support women when they are responding to sexist remarks by listening to what women say they need in those circumstances. Cynthia’s answer to question 7, for example, offers valuable guidance for men on responding to a sexist comment in a way that supports any women present. As she explains, the goal is to respond in a way that expresses our objection to what has been said without putting the spotlight on the woman targeted (intentionally or not) by the remark. (Last summer, for example, I sent an e-mail to my physical therapist about a remark he’d made about “all the pretty girls” in his office. The relevant portion of my e-mail read, “I’m not comfortable with comments in a professional setting that can be interpreted as sexually suggestive.” I didn’t speak about how his female assistant, who heard the comment, might have felt nor could I since I didn’t know what she thought; I could only speak for myself.) Following the interaction, we can check in with any women present about how the conversation went, what we might do differently, how we can best help to prevent future occurrences, and what we might do to bring an end to sexist remarks in the setting in which the interaction occurred (see Take Action).
Most often, the sexist comments that I hear are made outside the presence of the woman who is the target of the remark. In that case, it might appear that I could speak up on the woman’s behalf without worrying about putting her in an uncomfortable spot. But even then, it is better to speak for myself about why I object to sexist expression. That approach is more honest and for that reason more effective—people tend to take our objections more seriously when we frame them in terms of our own values and beliefs rather than in terms of a desire to protect someone else.
In that circumstance, the other question that arises is whether to tell the woman targeted, who didn’t hear the comment, about what happened. Obviously, each situation needs to be considered carefully. But usually I think it’s best to inform her, to offer whatever support might be most helpful, and to indicate my willingness to take the lead in addressing that type of behavior in the setting where it occurred, for example, the workplace or a family gathering. That allows the woman to be prepared for, rather than blind-sided by, any backlash or odd reactions she experiences from the men involved. (Of course, there will be times when a woman is not interested in our support—we will tackle that issue in question 12.)
As for when men should respond on a woman’s behalf, I normally try not to frame my response as being on behalf of someone else. (Though when it’s appropriate, I do explain that my response to sexist remarks is rooted in witnessing the damaging effects of those comments on women whom I know.) While every situation is different, I’m not sure that it’s possible to accurately reflect someone else’s feelings and interests in the way that they might were they speaking for themselves.
Cynthia says: I would love men to speak up before I even need to respond to a sexist remark—in all types of situations, from the board room to a Sunday brunch—especially when they choose to address the issue and not simply my potential reaction to it. In my experience, guys have a way of letting other men know when they have stepped out of line that comes across in a light, helpful manner. It is as if they are saying, “Hey man, I know that we all struggle sometimes with what is appropriate to say and do, particularly as women and men’s roles change, but you are way over the line on this one.” Or, if a woman (or women) reacts quickly, the men can back her up—in the same disarming way just noted (or more firmly in situations in which the remark is particularly offensive).
What may be more critical is what happens next. First, everyone in the situation needs to help “normalize” the conversation, whether it is about company business or the next round of mimosas. Doing so can mitigate the discomfort that some people might feel or the sense that those who choose to speak up are “always being too serious.” In some settings, both business and social, it may be appropriate to talk about what happened—in other situations, it may be more effective to return things to “pre-remark” status, for example, proceeding with a meeting or having a good time. The goal is to demonstrate that we can routinely respond to sexist remarks without ruining a party or disrupting a meeting (and therefore potentially causing further discomfort for the women involved or reducing the likelihood that others will challenge sexist remarks in the future).
Second, and most important, men who speak up need to maintain their stance, especially if the man who made the original remark tries to joke his way out of it—either immediately or later when they are alone together. Under no condition should they throw women under the bus by allowing the person to dismiss everyone’s reactions to his sexist comment or laughing about the situation privately.
When the person making the remark is a woman, men can still call them on the comment but might assume that the woman misspoke (this also can work with male friends who support gender equality but occasionally make inappropriate remarks). They might, for example, say something like, “Hey, I am surprised to hear you say that because I know that you support women’s rights.” Or “Jill—that comment doesn’t sound like you.” This gives the woman (or man) the space to retract or amend her remark—if she chooses to defend herself, then the men (or anyone else in the group) can respond by sharing that they disagree with the original comment and why.
In both situations, I agree with Steve’s suggestion that men follow up with the women who were involved (either as targets or witnesses). They can check out their reaction to the conversation, ask for feedback about the form of support they provided, and discuss whether there are appropriate next steps that they might take together. Those might include working to end sexist remarks in the workplace or talking with their friends about how sexist comments (and not the reactions to those) can both spoil a fun afternoon and damage efforts to create gender equality.
What do you suggest? Post an answer.
