How do you know when to respond to sexist remarks and when to let things slide? Back to Answering the Tough Questions.
Steve says: With one exception (see below), I find it important not to let sexist comments pass without a response. In particular, I never let slide a sexist remark made in the presence of a woman. I’ve found that men often use sexist remarks to bond with each other by excluding and demeaning the woman/women present. As a man, it’s important to respond to such comments—not to object is to say “yes” to that behavior.
The sexist remarks that I have heard men make in a male-only setting have been of the sexual/sexist type, that is, comments about a woman’s/women’s appearance in situations where those remarks are particularly not appropriate (such as work or other professional settings). In the past, I did not confront these remarks head on but responded with a comment that would re-direct the conversation in a more appropriate direction, such as “She does seem really smart” or “She is very good at her job.” While that approach always worked to momentarily end the sexist leering, today that’s not enough in light of the openly misogynistic comments that were pervasive during the 2008 Presidential campaign. So as noted in my response to question 1, I now try to have a clear “soundbite” ready: ”That sounds sexist. I don’t like to talk that way about women.”
One caveat to the foregoing: I am beyond responding to one of my older male relatives who regularly makes demeaning comments about women’s decision-making and leadership abilities. He has made these remarks for years, and many of us in the family have engaged him in long discussions about his perspective and why we think it is inappropriate. Now when he makes those comments, most of us just raise our eyebrows and move on. Given the past discussions, the unlikelihood of his ever changing his point of view, and the fact that we don’t have young women or men in the family who might be negatively affected by that type of language, it’s just not worth it.
Cynthia says: After enduring the onslaught of sexist remarks during the 2008 Presidential primary, and creating this site, I find myself even more inclined to address the use of sexist remarks in most situations. Not doing so makes me feel complicit in the generalized sexism that is still so pervasive in our culture.
But everyone has to weigh the risks and benefits of dealing with sexist remarks in different types of situations, and there are no hard or fast rules about when to speak up and when to let things slide. It has been helpful to me to decide in advance in which situations I am comfortable addressing sexist remarks directly and when I might choose to hold my peace. By creating a framework for when and how I choose to respond to sexist remarks, I assume some control over situations that often are designed to make women feel as if they have lost control and I am less likely to feel remiss for not responding.
Typically (although there are exceptions to every rule), I have chosen not to address sexist remarks in the following settings: (1) at important events (for example, a wedding or an anniversary party) when my speaking up might spoil the occasion for those being honored (and particularly when the comment—but not my response—might otherwise go unnoticed by most participants), (2) at events sponsored by my husband’s company (and certainly not when the remarks are made by one of the owners) because it is not my place to put my husband’s career at risk, and (3) when I believe that the person making the remark is not being mean-spirited and there would be little to gain by addressing their comment. (For example, the older manager of my local wine store calls me “honey” or “sweetie,” and while I wish he wouldn’t, I don’t think he intends me any harm. I don’t go there often enough to form the type of relationship with him in which it might matter what I think, and I doubt that he is going to change his ways to accommodate my preference.)
I also know that I may have let things slide occasionally in the past because I didn’t want to be considered the one who always made a “fuss” or caused a “scene.” Age and a sense of obligation to the next generation of young women have freed me from that worry. Sexist remarks will end when there is more to lose than to gain by saying them. Each of us, therefore, should speak up in response to sexist remarks whenever we have the power, position, or appropriate opportunity to do so.
What do you suggest? Post an answer.
