Have you ever supported a woman who was the target of a sexist remark who then—because of her own discomfort—attempted to repudiate your help or became distant with you afterward? How did you respond in that situation, and what did you do to smooth the relationship? Back to Answering the Tough Questions.
Cynthia says: This happened early in my career when I thought a colleague felt the same way that I did about women’s rights. I spoke up on her behalf in a difficult work situation, and she walked away from the conversation. When I spoke with her later, I realized that she didn’t agree with my point of view and wasn’t likely to in the short term. In retrospect, I recognize my role in furthering her discomfort in that instance—she hadn’t asked for my support and I didn’t really understand her point of view well enough to speak on her behalf.
I also have found that even women who believe in gender equality and agree that sexist remarks should not be tolerated will react in unexpected ways when confronted by such comments. Fear of reprisal (both the overt and the more subtle) keeps women silent in many situations, especially the workplace. Some women, while supportive of women’s rights, choose not to play a vocal or advocacy role, which is their right. Others simply do not notice the more subtle forms of sexism that play out in everyday life.
For all of those reasons, I no longer speak up for other women when they are the target of a sexist remark—I speak up for myself. When I hear such a comment directed at another woman during a conversation or meeting in which I am participating, I share my reaction to or feelings about the remark—in the moment or later, whichever feels more appropriate.
Speaking up on my own behalf (or on behalf of women generally) also relieves me of trying to anticipate how other women feel about sexist remarks and enables me to stand up for what I believe in without further directing the focus to someone else. It also helps me to steer the resulting dialogue toward the goal of everyone walking away understanding how sexist remarks affect women (or perhaps at least being smart enough not to make them publicly in that setting again).
Steve says: My April 13 post relates a situation in which I responded to a sexist remark by a male manager in the company where I worked. As I described, the woman who was the target of the remark appeared to brush off my question after the incident about whether she thought that what had been said was sexist.
Through reading and discussions with woman friends, I’ve heard at least three reasons that women ignore sexist and otherwise offensive remarks. These are embodied in the following thoughts:
- “If I paid attention to every sexist comment, I’d spend my life angry. The best way to deal with these remarks is to ignore them.”
- “That guy will never change anyway, so what is the point of making a scene?”
- “I care too much about my job to get derailed by these comments.”
All of these make perfect sense when sexism is accepted in the culture of an organization or a society, there is no support from those in power to change things, and those who try to do so are punished in ways large and small.
More specifically, as with any progressive social change, people fall into at least three groups with regard to ending sexist remarks. In the first group are the men who make the remarks, benefit from them, or find them harmless. In the second are those who object to those comments but for the reasons above are not willing to risk their standing to confront them. And in the third are those who challenge and create dialog about sexist remarks and try to change the organizations and cultures that permit them. It’s when those in the third group begin to make headway in changing the status quo that those in the middle group find it safer to join their efforts to make change.
So when it looks like a woman is repudiating our effort, there’s a good chance she’s saying something else: “It’s not the right time for me to join you. Make it possible for me to do so.” As a result, usually what’s needed after this type of interaction is not an effort to repair the relationship but to let the situation settle and move on. If a woman has chosen to ignore a sexist remark to stay out of the spotlight, she probably won’t find continued attention to the incident helpful.
Of course, we also have to confront our own reaction to having our intervention rejected. In the case above, I initially second-guessed my response, thinking that I must be overly sensitive to a potential injustice. Then I talked to friends who agreed with my perception; later I met people in the company who had repeatedly objected to the same manager’s sexist remarks.
Inevitably, when working on issues in which we’re going against the grain, we think we’re alone when we’re not. All we can do is continue to intervene where we are able, find people who are willing to act with us, and remember that, in Martin Luther King’s words, “The arc of history is long, but it bends toward justice.”
What do you suggest? Post an answer.
