Have you ever responded to a sexist remark and the person who made the remark (nicely and genuinely) suggested a better way for you to do that in the future? What did you learn? Back to Answering the Tough Questions.
Steve says: I have never had someone offer input about how I responded to a sexist remark, but I welcome other people’s feedback. Providing a place for us to give each other ideas about how to better respond to sexist remarks is the purpose of this blog.
Recently I was with friends in a state park. As a group, one of our points of sensitivity about national and state parks is having visitors respect park resources so that everyone can enjoy them. On this day, we were on a path beside a stream below a beautiful set of waterfalls. The path was marked “No swimming” and “No one beyond this point” because of liability issues for the park and because people swimming in this spot affects everyone’s ability to enjoy the aesthetic (as we found out later from a ranger). As we passed through, we saw two young women who had climbed the fence and were swimming in the stream. Someone in our group yelled, “You guys know that there are signs here about not swimming in the stream, right? There’s a $250 fine for doing that.” One of them yelled back, “Who’s talking to you? No one asked your opinion,” and continued with what they were doing.
When we were talking about that episode later, the person who made the comment said that they wished she’d handled it differently. “I should have started out by saying something like, ‘Hey guys, that looks like a lot of fun. The reason that this is posted no swimming is that having people in the stream affects everyone else’s ability to enjoy how beautiful it is here.’”
Of course, she might have gotten the same response—I sometimes think we Americans have a peculiar notion that no one has the right to restrict our freedom to behave as we please regardless of the consequences for others or society. But my sense also is that when we’re trying to create change, it’s all about delivery.
There is a New York Times columnist whose positions I disagree with most of the time. But I like reading him, and I listen to and think about his arguments. And it’s because of his tone—he is thoughtful, respectful to those who don’t agree with him, and genuinely seems to like people on my side of the political aisle. On the other hand, there are people of my political persuasion on our town board with whom I agree on most issues but for whom I don’t vote. The reason is that their demeanor in advocating their positions is so aggressive and arrogant that they can never build the coalitions they need to get things done.
It seems to me that there are three parts to responding well to sexist remarks. First, there is the desire to create change in how the genders are viewed and treated. Second is the willingness to speak up. And third is the ability to speak up in a way that persuades.
When I’ve needed to confront someone, it’s always worked better when I’ve tried to start with where the other person is coming from. In addressing a sexist remark, this can happen by being genuinely curious about why they chose to express themselves in the way that they did. I can ask, “So what do you mean by that?” or “I’m interested in why you say that?” Alternatively, if I’m making a statement about why I don’t like to use sexist language or expression, I can start with something designed to disarm, by smiling and saying, “Listen, I don’t mean to be confrontational but. . .,” “I’m sorry to interrupt, but. . .,” “I agree with some of what you’re saying, but. . .,” or “I find most of your jokes funny, but. . . .” To make these kind of bridge-building statements work, I think they have to be genuine; otherwise they come across as patronizing. So I try to figure out what’s behind what the other person said, even something positive about their intent in saying it.
What advice would I give myself about responding to the physical therapist last summer who, while I was being attended to by one of his female staff, made a remark to me about “all of the pretty girls” in his office? (Click here for the full story.) Probably it was best to communicate with him privately by e-mail after the incident, as I did. But had I thought it wise to respond in the moment, I’d try to start with something positive and assume that his intention was to create rapport. So I might have said, “Look, I appreciate how nice you and your staff have been and how well you’ve taken care of me. And I don’t mean to be confrontational, but I don’t like to talk that way about women, especially in a professional setting.”
The whole idea is that if you’re going to bring someone over to your side, first you have to build a bridge. As a top trial lawyer recently wrote in a book on persuasion, “We trust people we know and feel comfortable with, those with whom we have rapport. . . Once a person feels acknowledged, he/she is more willing to listen to you.”
Cynthia says: I have never had someone give me direct feedback, but I have learned a great deal from watching people’s reactions to my responses to sexist remarks. Most people are more receptive to our messages when we try to understand their perspective, avoid embarrassing them in front of others, and share what we believe in a non-judgmental manner. Persuading others to see our point of view requires patience, a willingness to listen and question rather than attack, a desire to find common ground, and the ability to develop solutions that move us closer to our shared goals.
This is not always easy in a culture in which our dialogue is increasingly dogmatic in nature. Myriad cable news channels pit people with opposing views against one another rather than facilitating a discussion between them that might inform rather than inflame the public. Television and the Internet reward those with snappy one-liners and witty repartee, and elected leaders heckle the President. It is increasingly difficult to find places in which civilized debate and discussion are taking place.
Truthfully, there also are different types of sexist remarks, and some may demand a confrontational approach—for example, when a comment is particularly offensive or when it is made by someone with whom you have talked about the issue previously. Sometimes people simply need to be called on their actions.
In all other situations, seeking first to understand is probably the best bet—and the most likely road to a positive dialogue about the need to end sexist remarks. You can hardly expect someone to listen to your point of view if you haven’t demonstrated a willingness to consider theirs.
And while it is valuable to discuss gender equality (and the associated need to stop sexist remarks) with those who share your values and beliefs, it can be just as beneficial to talk with those whose history, and therefore perspective and ideas, are different. It most likely will take both types of conversations to figure out how to end sexist remarks and build a culture of equality.
What do you suggest? Post an answer.
